


Crimes Against Smirke

by Seashoremarina



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: F/F, Gen, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2020-11-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 17:14:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,028
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27350299
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seashoremarina/pseuds/Seashoremarina
Summary: A general chat fic!This will be updated at a later date once I get a better grasp on what I want to do with this fic.
Relationships: Georgie Barker/Melanie King, Martin Blackwood/Sasha James/Tim Stoker, Nikola Orsinov/Jane Prentiss, Oliver Banks/Graham Folger
Comments: 2
Kudos: 29





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Work.  
> Jonathan Sims - JSims  
> Sasha James - Jamestown  
> Timothy Stoker - Stonks  
> Martin Blackwood - mkarson
> 
> Admiral Support Group  
> Jonathan Sims - cats4me  
> Georgie Barker - ghosts4me  
> Melanie King - punks4me
> 
> Avatar bitching rights  
> Nikola Orsninov - honkhonk  
> Oliver Banks - sleeprn  
> Mike Crew - freefalling  
> Annabelle Cane - Webster  
> Jane Prentiss - Worms

**JonathanSims** has created a group chat

**JonathanSims** has renamed the chat to “Work.”

**JonathanSims** has added 3 people

**JonathanSims** has changed their username to **JSims**

**JSims** : This chat room is to keep in touch for work matters, do not use this for anything else.

**TimothyStoker** has changed their name to **Stonks**

**Stonks** : Sure thing boss, def not going 2 use this 4 fun

**SashaJames** : Eye Eye Captain 

**MartinBlackwood** : Isn’t it “Aye Aye”?

**SashaJames** has changed their username to **Jamestown**

**Jamestown** : yes absolutely but 👁 👁 is funnier 

**MartinBlackwood** has changed their username to **mkarson**

**JSims** : I don’t see how these usernames are particularly work appropriate.

**Stonks** : exactly 

**mkarson** : they’re fun and also don’t have swear words so /technically/ they’re appropriate

**JSims** : “Fun” and “Appropriate” are two very different things 

**Stonks** : Uh oh the fun machine is getting turned off 

**JSims** : fun; something that provides mirth or amusement

While 

Appropriate; suitable or fitting for a particular purpose, person, occasion, etc.

**Jamestown** : Merriam Webster or do just have that memorized?

**JSims** : Dictionary.com to be correct, but my point still stands.

**Stonks** : it’s vetoed Nope not dealing with non fun names. This is a democracy we’re a free country

**mkarson** : isn’t that an American thing?

**Stonks** : yes it is what about it 

**mkarson** : I’m all for it but I’m afraid idk where I see everything fitting in with this being a work chat 

**Jamestown** : speaking of workkkkk who ate all the banana chips 

**JSims** : Tim 

**Stonks** : first no fun usernames??? Now you’re pointing fingers?? Wow jon I see how this is 

**JSims** : I’m not pointing fingers I just saw you throwing away the empty container of banana chips.

**Stonks** : Blastmthy 

**mkarson** : it was me I’ll replace it Sasha 

**Jamestown** : do you mean blasphemy? 

**Jamestown** : No no it wasn’t you Martin don’t take the blame.

**JSims** : It was Tim, who else could it have been.

**Stonker** : Idk boss, you’re looking pretty sus 

**JSims** : I’m allergic to bananas.

**Stonks** : BULLSHIT I SAW YOU

**JSims** : Saw me doing what? Eating bananas when they could give me an allergic reaction. I would never.

**Stonks** : I refuse to believe it wasn’t you 

  
  


**SashaJames** to **MartinBlackwood**

**SashaJames** : It was me, I ate all of the banana chips 

**MartinBlackwood** : you monster…

**SashaJames** : I want to see the world burn 

  
  


Avatar Bitching Rights 

**honkhonk** : So I Break Into His House Right! And Then He Screams! Ungrateful!! I Wanted Two Help With His Skin : ( ( ! Scars Aren’t Hot!! Like! Yes! I Realize The Spiral Wanted To Eat You! But Appreciate The Help! 

**freefalling** : you 

**freefalling** : you broke into my fucking house 

**honkhonk** : The Vast Isn’t Fun Mikey! 

**freefalling** : Fuck you, it’s perfectly good. Plus my skin is wonderful.

**honkhonk** : Stop Complaing About Being Single Than Gay Boy! Maybe With Good ! Skin! You Who Wouldn’t Be Moping!

**freefalling** : I am not moping. I don’t mope, I sulk. 

**honkhonk** : You! Drink! Too! Much! Tea! To Be Sulking!

**freefalling** : If it helps I actually have a date this weekend, He likes tea so that’s all that matters. If not a free meal.

**Webster** : Mike has a date? For once?

**freefalling** : What is this? Bully Mike Crew Day??

**sleeprn** : When is it not, but have fun 

**honkhonk** : QUICK SOMEONE MARK THIS DAY DOWN VAST BOY HAS A DATE

**worms** : whosss it withhhh??

**honkhonk** : What My Lovely! Darling! Jane! Is Saying!

**freefalling** : I don’t have to give that info out to you.

**Webster** : Someone from the Institute, The Archives to be exact.

**freefalling** : How do you know that one 

**Webster** : :)

**Webster** : Who do you think set you up?

**sleeprn** : Annabelle do you just control dating apps?

**Webster** : Yeah Heart Emoji 

**worms** : web propagandaaa

**honkhonk** : Oh! Exciting! I Will Get You Ready For The Date ! 

**freefalling** : No 

**freefalling** is offline 

**honkhonk** : Spoil Sport : (

  
  
  


Admiral Support Group 

**cats4me** : Why are people like that 

**ghosts4me** : do you mean why are they social or something else 

**punks4me** : Uh oh is Jon having problems with their coworkers again?

**cats4me** : Timothy Stoker, Ugh. That’s it that’s the complaint.

**cats4me** : I made a work chat to keep in touch when follow ups happen and it’s already is chaos.

**ghosts4me** : sounds like any chat?

**cats4me** : _exactly_

**punk4me** : You’re at blame for making a chat and expecting it not to be chaotic 

**ghosts4me** : Let it happen, I’m sure it will calm down by tomorrow

**ghosts4me** : also did you pay an extra pound to use italics ???

**Cats4me** : No. 

**cats4me** : I can also underline 

**punk4me** : So you absolutely paided that .99 to underline and use italics. For what? For what Jon?? 

**cats4me** : Chaos 

  
  


Work.

  
  


**Stonks** : Sooo, any plans for this weekend??

**JSims** : Not again.

**Jamestown** : I have a date with my computer? binge watching shows.

**JSims** : I’ll be working, maybe I’ll visit a friend.

**Stonks** : Jonathan “i only work 4 fun” Sims has a friend???

**JSims** : I do actually.

**Jamestown** : it’s not that hard to believe, I’m guessing you got your style from them ?

**JSims** : Other Way around I helped her figure out her style.

**mkarson** : stylish jon!! And my only plans are to go see my mother. I also have a date on Sunday.

**Jamestown** : 👁 have fun!! Who’s it with?

**mkarson** : A man named Mike Crew! He seems friendly enough !

**Stonks** : Ah heck yeahhhhh 

**Stonks** : if you need any help getting ready ;) I’m your wing man 

**JSims** : That name seems familiar…

**Jamestown** : Had a one night stand with him? Or just a bad date?

**JSims** : No, know him from somewhere else

**mkarson** : spooky 

**JSims** : I hate that word, call it anything else.

**JSims** : Orwellian fits better, “Spooky” is overused and a joke to our profession.

**JSims** : We’ve been boiled down to a “Spooky” Insuite. 

**Jamestown** : Laughing Stock Of the supernatural community?

**Stonks** : yk you aren’t wrong 

**mkarson** : jeeze this chat went morbid 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The archivist crashes a date, slight chaos comes from it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Jonathan Sims - JSims  
> Sasha James - Jamestown  
> Timothy Stoker - Stonks  
> Martin Blackwood - mkarson
> 
> Avatar bitching rights  
> Nikola Orsninov - honkhonk  
> Oliver Banks - sleeprn  
> Mike Crew - freefalling  
> Annabelle Cane - Webster  
> Jane Prentiss - Worms  
> Martin Blackwood - arson
> 
> Emotional Statement Support Group  
> Sasha James - Sash  
> Sebastian Adekoya - Seb  
> Graham Folger - Graham  
> Helen Richardson - HELEN  
> Oliver Banks - Antonino

**JonathanSims** to  **MartinBlackwood**

**JonathanSims** : Martin.

**MartinBlackwood** : Do you need anything? I’m using a vacation day today so I won’t be in office^^

**JonathanSims** : Surprised you have any left. 

**JonathanSims** : But that’s what I wanted to talk about. Mike Crew he’s shown up in a few statements, he’s dangerous, threw a guy off a roof in paris and more considering his streak. Better if you don’t go, wouldn’t want you getting hurt.

**Delivered at 11:30**

  
  
  


**Avatars Bitching Rights**

**Worms** : so i wasss sitting theree barbecue on my wormss 

**Webster** : Pick one lollipops or deep fried.

**sleeprn** : lollipops

**sleeprn** : if this is some weird spider thing I’m leaving this fucking chat yk 

**Webster** : Lollipop moth it is. 

**sleeprn** : i HATE it here, everytime I log on you come up with something more cursed.

**Webster** : You Love Us. 

**sleeprn:** Yes, Annabelle I love this chat with all my heart. 

**sleeprn** : fuck you fuck you fuck you 

**sleeprn** : this chat is a nightmare i hate this family

**Webster** : Go complain to your partner :/…

**sleeprn** : he’s with his cousin rn

**Webster** : :)

**freefalling** : gays in chat ew.

**Worms** : gayyy n homophobiccc

**honkhonk** : !!!

**honkhonk** : Mikey! How ! Was ! Your ! Date !

**freefalling** : horrible

**freefalling** : met the archivist, threw him in the vast. I have 0 respect for a date crasher.

**honkhonk** : Uh! Oh!

**freefalling** : didn’t like I was on a date with his coworker? This scrawny archivist ran into the cafe and then panicked when he saw me.

**worms** : no rights for eye avatarssss

**freefalling** : being compelled by them sucks. So I threw him into the vast.

**honkhonk** : Lame! Lame! Lame! Boo no Fun!

**freefalling** : plus is that Martin is definitely a desolation avatar.

**Webster** : Add him, I need a good replacement before I add Jude back to this chat.

**freefalling** : I recommend doing that soon.

**freefalling** has added  **MartinBlackwood**

**MartinBlackwood** has changed their name to  **arson**

**arson** : hello^^

**Worms** : hellloooo

**Worms** : welcomeee 🐛 how do you feel about worms??

**arson** : not the biggest fan of the corruption

**Worms** : :0 

**Worms** : bye.

  
  
  
  


**Work**

**JSims** : Hm, if anyone needs me I’ll be in my office recording statements.

**Stonks** : can’t believe Jon’s the jealous type

**Jamestown** : Alright Jon!

**Jamestown** : Didn’t think so but now that he crashed martins date know we know 

**Stonks** : oh 2 be dated crashed by your boss 

**mkarson** : It wasn’t bad^^ I still had a decent date despite the setbacks, plus he likes his tea the correct way.

**Jamestown** : Just in Martin K. Blackwood simps for men who like their tea a certain way.

**Stonks** : Objection have you seen Jon try to make tea on his own??

**Jamestown** : Food crimes and tea then 

**mkarson** : smh, why do I take you out for lunch when you criticize my taste in men 

**Stonks** : It’s cause u like us

**Jamestown** : you did sign up for “light bullying featuring your partners <33” 

**mkarson** : Can I unsubscribe /lh

**Jamestown** : Nope! It’s a one time deal you can’t unsubscribe from.

**Stonks** : :p

**mkarson** : please I’m so fucking small.

**Jamestown** : hi “so fucking small” I’m Sasha!

**mkarson** : I love you but did you just dad joke me??

**Jamestown** : yeah ❤️

**Stonks** : dad jokes and finger guns r what you subscribed for 

**Stonks** : anyways give me your coffee orders I’m paying (on the institute card ofc)

**Jamestown** : the normal ! 

**mkarson** : Thanks for the offer ^^ but I’ll have to decline 

**Stonks** : alright sexy people 

**Stonks** : @ **JSims** coffee?

**JSims** : If this is a ploy to get me to drink something sugary than no, if not a small black coffee.

**Stonks** : On it boss ! 

**Jamestown** : Jonathan Sims drinks black coffee?? Who would have guessed / s

**JSims** : It’s pleasant. 

**Stonks** : The only people who say it’s pleasant are literal killers

**Stonks** : going to kill us boss? Jonny got a gun?

**JSims** : I am not.

**JSims** : I prefer Knives 

**Stonks** : So do I *winky face*

**mkarson** : Please just use the winky face

**stonks** : No *heart emoji*

  
  
  


**Emotional Statement Support Group**

**Sash** : daily check in as it’s check in o’clock 

**Graham** : Hey hey 

**Seb** : Hello.

**HELEN** : Helllllllllllo-

**Sash** : how is everyone?

**Seb** : Tired of dealing with children, I work in the adult section of the library for a reason. Sadly I’m on kids duty until my coworker recovers from whatever “Stomach Bug” they caught.

**Graham** : uhhh oh someone’s grumpy

**Antonio** : When is he not dreading life?

**Seb** : Low blow from someone who’s legally dead 

**Antonio** : :)

**HELEN** : I think kids are delights! I refuse to eat them, too young. Never have liked the taste of baby carrots.

**Sash** : good to know, but ignoring that for a second, is that why we’ve gotten a few statements from children lately?

**HELEN** : A great magician does not reveal their secrets SASHA. 

**Sash** : Concerning 

**Graham** : Oh Fuck, sasha our cousin is going to visit you soon once it’s done hanging out with me.

**Antonio** : Btw, am I safe to come in and no shit will be pulled right?

**Graham** : Yeah you’re all good, the potato incident isn’t going to happen again.

**Seb** : “The Potato Incident”

**Antonio** : Graham Pogchamp Folger don’t you dare

**Seb** : Your middle name is pogchamp? Really Folger.

**Sash** : let the man speak I wanna know.

**Graham** : 1) it’s a good name 2) My cousin replaced me for an afternoon and ant ended up chucking a whole bag of potatoes @ it 

**Antonio** : Not my greatest moment yk.

**Seb** : Don’t think you have one Antonio.

**Antonio** : I have one smh.

**Sash** : alright boys it’s not the time for a measuring contest.

**HELEN** : Toodles! I have a house to sell ;)))))))))))))))))))

**HELEN** is now offline 

**Sash** : Forgot to ask how are the nightmares

**Antonio** : Pass, I don’t sleep

**Graham** : ok insomniac stop watching me edit my podcast at like 3 am, the lights are off right and I just see these 2 yellow eyes and it’s dumbass.

**Seb** : Getting better, been sleeping a bit more since therapy started.

**Sash** : Therapy king, and I’ll mark that down.

**Sash** : Good work everyone!

**Seb** : Why are you gathering this data?

**Sash** : Elias thought it would be a good idea for me to fuck around and find out my boss was appearing as an eye moth monster in everyones dreams. That and I also gave a statement and I need this support.

**Antonio** : yikes

**Seb** : That’s too much for me, change of topic?

**Graham** : Olives go in coffee. Discuss?

**Antonio** : why are we dating?¿?

**Graham** : you’re desperate

**Seb** : horrible why would you ever think of that 

  
**Sash** : why do the men I love commit food crimes

**Author's Note:**

> Just a quick thank you for reading this all the way. Currently this fic only has a rough outline/plot ! But I’m definitely planning to make this more than one chapter


End file.
